Severus Snape: An education at Hogwarts
by whiskey in the impala
Summary: A tale of Severus Snapes' time and musings at Hogwarts.  Join him as he unwantingly will learn more than the curriculum suggests.


I haven't even got to school yet and already I'm failing.

And I haven't just failed, but I've failed at the worst possible task.

I've let her down.

I brought it upon her as well. I should have never spoken to her that day in the park. But I am young and naive. Weak. The fire called to me. I couldn't resist. Each ember caught the suns' rays as her mane flew out behind her and I was transfixed. Lost to common sense. Purpose. Lost even to myself. Who I am. What I live for. She is my weakness, I knew it, yet I succumbed to it and now in hurting her, I have been drowned by it.

How easily her eyes betray her emotions. It makes me question how a trait which I have been brought up to believe will be the fall of anyone who uses it, can cause the fall of somebody else. I was taught to believe in itself it was a weakness. But in the end it was just another of mine.

I am too naive. I must work on this.

Lily Evens.

I had always dreamed of her running up to me, that care free smile on her face, the trails of fire hot in her wake, enveloping me in her arms, shouting my name as she ran. I never believed that such a dream, in reality could so quickly become a nightmare. And why?

Because I am too naive.

I forgot who I was and in doing so I lost what I had become. It had been built on nothing. It had been built on the hope that I could be someone different, on the delusion I was someone else. These are not the foundations of change.

I had barely felt her warmth when he came to stand by my side. I cannot blame him for though I may be quiet he has always been by my side.

Time will not change that.

Him and I – we are equals. Born and raised the same. Similar in intent and purpose, in way of thinking.

Lily and I – we are not equal. I was stupid to think any kind of relationship would persevere.

He called her a mudblood. She wouldn't have known what it meant, for though I have educated her in many aspects of the wizarding traditions – the debate over blood status was something I couldn't bring myself to burden her with. But she is no fool. She could tell by his bite, his arrogant sneer that it was an insult. She looked to me. Those big emerald eyes at first confused asking me to explain to her. He laughed, that cold malicious laugh he has got down to an art and her eyes widened, glossed, they begged me to help her. Protect her. Even just explain. It was then those innocent eyes finally saw me for who I was. A naive, weak boy. A child. And they dulled, that spark that never seemed to leave them was lost and what did I do? I walked away.

Fool!

I sit here now, replaying the incident in my mind as Lucius enacts it to the compartment and I realise that whilst these same events differ so much in light and tone there is one main theme. I was a fool. Oh, naturally Lucius doesn't say these exact words. He never would, but in his eyes he had to protect me from the "mudblood" because I "was too in shock at meeting such disgusting dirt to protect myself" and in my eyes I couldn't defend her. Foolishly, I chose my own dignity over hers.

I could never deserve her.

Look at him. So proud of his achievement of helping a dear friend. He sits there with his aristocratic air, his long blond hair and steel grey eyes – his parents pride and joy, though they never show it. People like him and Narcissa belong together. Already she sits by his side, as tall and strong as her small delicate frame will allow. It's the first day of school, of our first year, and already I can see them ruling Hogwarts together.

She'd be good for him. Root him to the ground when he gets too caught up in the sky.

I look at my reflection in the window. There is no one sat beside me. No one smirking at my victories. The windows to my soul are as cold and as empty as the nightly abyss outside. I am certainly no picture.

Lily Evens belongs with someone as fiery as herself. As pretty and full of life as herself. Someone who will stand up for her, protect her, die for her. I would I could be that man, but I had my chance, age be damned, and I failed. So I promise to myself now, for Lily's sake, that when I meet such a man, I will not stand in his way.

:- :- :- :- :- :- :-

The castle looms overhead and I am surrounded by darkness. Even the black night sky has lost his moon.

The inky water calls to me from its depths and I long to join the peace it entices me with, deep in its embrace. With a quizzical look from Narcissa I reluctantly tear my gaze from the offer of everlasting solitude but thankfully she had already mistaken my look of longing as one of intrigue.

"I've heard a giant squid lives in there Sev. I wouldn't lean to far over, we don't know of its nature yet and it would be hard to retrieve you with this nightfall."

Ah Narcissa. Logical but kind, though it is always subtle. Just like everything about her.

We reach the other side of the lake without any appearance of the so far legendary giant squid and Lucius, like the true gentleman he is, promptly helps Narcissa and myself out of the small, wooden boat.

The trek to the castle seems long as the three of us try and stride with as much dignity and power as our little legs will allow us against the uphill struggle. We don't talk and our peace is not disturbed by rest of the mass of first years contemplating what we will meet with when we finally make it to the castle doors, rash ideas circulate all our minds and we just try to focus on breathing steadily.

Warmth is the first sensation that graces us on our first steps into the grand entrance. For once the smug look that usually is etched upon Lucius' face has been lost to awe. Narcissa seems so small in comparison and a sudden urged to protect her overwhelms me.

A young lady in green approaches as other first years huddle closer to us, emerging us in their slowly forming group. I never was a group person and now I'm starting to feel like my personal space is being trespassed upon. I'll scowl at this young fool next to me and see if he backs off a little bit. Nothing. His mind is too engaged in the architecture to notice the people around him. Okay, he's just gasped and grabbed my arm. Keep calm Sev; it never does well to fight on your first day. He'll remove his unwanted limb any moment now. Any moment. I can feel the _scowl_ on my face. Few, he has let go. I swear I'll make him pay for touching me, ignorant child, does he not know who I am? Does he not know that I have connections more powerful than his small, pea-sized brain could ever conjure to imagination? By the innocent expression on his face, evidently not.

Damn.

As one we move to the great hall and unconsciously they all gather closer, scared at being what looks like to be the entertainment for the older years.

The lady in green – Professor McGonagall (obviously a Gryffindor, pshh) has a scroll in her hands and is placing a beaten black hat upon a chair. Maybe something is going to crawl out of it and we have to fight it to decide what house we belong to? Perhaps a snake. If I don't get put in Slytherin I will have shamed my crowd. House pride will only bring another barrier between Lilly and myself. With her blood status she will never be accepted into the Slytherin way of living. The noble way of living if you ask me.

The first – a young girl – is called upon and makes her way cautiously onto the stage and is beckoned by Professor McGonagall to sit on the stool and put on the hat. Maybe it will swallow her up, she'll have to face something and then it will spit her back out? Rash I know, but plausible. Though evidently not the procedure. Time ticks by and nothing seems to be happening although the girl looks to be as if she's concentrating on something, I can see the wheels turning in her head. They're very slow. A rip in the hat appears as it screams out "Hufflepuff" and in shock the mass around me jumps back. A polite applause emits from the table nearest to me and I glare at them. These weak Hufflepuffs I deem not worthy of my time.

My legs begin to tire as I stand and what, trying to commit to memory the house that my peers are put into. Trying to guess their blood status and how weak they are by how well they manage to cover up their look of fear when they are called upon and take to the stage.

"Severus, Snape".

Finally, my time has come.

A/N Thankyou for reading. Please review!


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